I feel gross


I have gained back all the weight I lost and then some. Ugh. Could be the meds but I think it’s me eating too much out of sadness. 

I called a warm line yesterday and cried for 20 minutes, essentially verbally vomiting on this poor responder and bless their heart they were good listeners. That doesn’t always happen so I got lucky. 

Another day at work. I’m already stressed but I’m determined to make this a productive day at least. Here goes nothing!

I’m trying here.¬†


I wish I could get to the bottom of why I feel so much anxiety at work. I think a good chunk of my issues could be cleared up if I could only figure that out. I am fully capable of doing my job. I even recently got praise for improving my performance over last year. So what’s the problem?

I have this giant insecurity that effects everything. I hardly speak to anyone. I’m not as productive as I could be. And I am a fairly proud person so knowing this really upsets me which only adds to my panic attack when it comes on. 

I’m on my lunch break now just trying to figure out how I’m going to make it through the rest of my day. Breathing exercises and positive self talk are not working so well lately. I want to call it a day but I know that only makes me weak. 

I’ve got to figure this out sooner rather than later. 

It’s coming


I can see it coming. The anxiety and depression. It’s creeping toward me and I’m feeling backed into a corner. There’s no where to run. When I feel like this I am usually at the mercy of my emotions and trying desperately to stay afloat. But this time I can see it coming. The warning signs are all there and I have brief window where I might be able to set things right. 

So I need to practice some self care. I’m taking a day off work this week to get some rest since I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I’m going to pump positive affirmations in my ears till it gives me a headache. And then there’s this long list of stuff I have to do that is hanging over my head and freaking me out. I need to just tackle one thing at a time and it will all work out. I have to remember to breathe. 

I don’t feel like I’m being productive at work. I’m afraid and jittery. If I could just survive today I feel like I will be ok. 

Ho hum 


I have a meeting with my psychiatrist today. It gets me out of work for a few hours and I need to update her on how I’m doing so it’s not a bad thing. I’m not too sure what to talk about with her today though. 

It seems like the same old stuff. And ever since she told me I might try just “breathing into” my anxiety, I have been trying to do just that. The results? I have felt generally a little more at ease. Something about not fighting so hard and just letting it exist does allow me to relax a bit. So that’s good I guess. 

I still wish I could completely eradicate my anxiety. I think I could live a much more fulfilling existence if I weren’t just constantly on the verge of panic but I suppose it is what it is. 

I’m typically not a fan of faking it till you make it but I feel myself moving in that direction. I just want to be OK, you know? I keep telling myself that everything will be OK. Maybe it’s true. I hope it is. 

A good day


Not to sound overly optimistic but I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m battling my anxiety with positive affirmations and breathing exercises and I have to say I’m surprised it’s working out. 

It’s only 9am but I think it’s going to be an okay day. I’m kinda tired but that’s nothing that three cups of coffee can’t fix and I feel sort of anxious but I’m reminding myself that I can handle it and have in the past. 

One of affirmations I’ve been listening to has a tendency to describe life as taking place in seasons. I like that idea. Seasons can come and go and nothing, not even the bad days, will last forever. I think I will take on that mindset. It helps to remember that my life it may not be perfect but it will change if I keep trying to make a positive impact on what I’m doing with it. 

Okay. Here I go. I’m going to give this day the best I’ve got.