Let the gratitude begin!

I found a gratitude journal! I searched through so many but this one has an interface I like and it’s pretty simple to use. I have an iPhone and don’t know if it’s available for Androids but I’m sure something similar is. 

I started using it yesterday and started with being grateful that my son is well adjusted at school and doing well. Above average even. That’s great news from a parent/teacher conference we just had! 

So I think the deal is that you use it daily for at least a month and you’ll start to see a happier, less depressed you. Challenge accepted. Can’t hurt, might help. 


Trying to find peace of mind 

Today was the first day in a long time I didn’t feel anxious at work. Maybe it was because I knew I got to leave early or maybe it was because there is something to this positive self talk I’ve been chanting at myself. 

Now I’m playing Power Rangers Dino Charge with my son. Good times. 

I’m thinking of downloading a gratitude journal. I read somewhere once that they can be very helpful in keeping a positive mindset and can be good for helping deal with depression. 

Taking a breath

Went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. I told her about my anxiety and how it dominates my time at work. She made a suggestion and I think she may be right. 

Breathe it in. 

What good has come of me fighting against it? More anxiety. So she said basically that I should learn to accept it. Recognize it as just part of me and know that it’s just something I have deal with. 

And you know, I actually feel like that is something I can do. It would ideally be nice to give up the fight and be able to be at peace knowing that anxiety is just a thing I deal with. Now, I will have to find ways deal with it. She suggested guided imagery, mantras, and affirmations. I did some affirmations this morning before work and it did help me feel more braced against my anxiety. I have chanting mantras in my head all day and they do help. 

I am capable of doing my job and doing it well.  

I am afraid of my anxiety but it can not hurt me. 

I am OK. 

I’ll keep at it and maybe I’ll get somewhere. It would be nice not be so wound up for a change. I’ll be OK. I am OK. 

Give me a break

I was listening to a podcast during my lunch break and it was 30 minutes of tips on how to put your mental health first. I don’t know what I was expecting but the whole thing left me with a bad taste in my mouth. 

How is it mental health professionals can sleep at night knowing that they are telling people like teenagers who are cutting themselves that part of their road to recovery is go watch a funny movie? That was one of this woman’s answers to keeping your sanity. How trite. 

She offered other ideas like journal writing and calling a friend too but I need actual assistance here. If I am going make a change and do better for myself I think I need something with a little more substance to it. I hate when things like that are the answers to the question of how to feel better. 

Ugh. So annoyed.

Spazzing out

This book I’m reading uses the word “choices” a lot. You make choices and they reflect on you in positive and negative ways but you have to make them in order change. Change how you react and go forth in your day interacting with people. Change your emotional response to those interactions. But it all starts with choices. 

“I choose to be accept me as I am.” That’s one of the affirmations they offer. 

I don’t choose to have panic attacks but I can choose how I react to them. I suppose there is some truth in that. I can accept them as just a part of who I am for the time being and find the best way to handle them. Choose to accept them as they come. When I think about that, there is some sort of relief felt. Like I don’t have to fight anymore. Just sit back and accept it for what it is. Then finding solutions does seem easier. I could take frequent breaks at work. Practice mindfulness more regularly. 

In essence I could choose to be happier. Curb being such a spazz just little bit. One day at a time. I’m gonna try. I’m going to think about my choices and make them more prominent in how I handle myself. 

The book says it’s not overnight thing. I’m still going to try. Or do or do not as there is no try according to a wise Jedi we all know and love. Do it. I can do it. 

Silence is over

I popped 2 more anti anxiety pills and I’m hoping they kick in soon. I dropped my son off at his Spring Break camp this morning and he didn’t want to go. He pleaded with me. He cried. I felt like such an asshole. 

The books I’m reading are big on positive affirmations and giving yourself permission to feel your feelings but in the tradition of mindfulness, to let them pass while simply observing them. I’m really trying. 

Anxiety keeps bubbling up. My heart starts pounding. I can’t concentrate. My hands get sweaty and shaky. Then my thoughts start racing and I’m rendered useless. I really can’t afford this on a work day. 

I take deep breaths. I step away from my desk. It’s only 11:30am and I wondering if I can make it through the day like this. 

There’s a talk line that I call when I feel this way and sometimes they help talk me down. I might have to pay them a visit today if I’m going to make this work. 

Quiet time

I feel oddly at ease. Calm. My mind is quiet and my thoughts are coming in methodical lines, one right after the other. No jumbled mess. Just little ducks marching all in a row, quacking quietly to themselves as they pass. 

I have no idea how this happened. I keep looking for my typical feelings of panic and I see them but they are buried below the surface with God knows what holding them at bay. Is it the meds? Is it the mindfulness training I’ve been tinkering with lately? I don’t know but I am grateful. 

I hope this lasts. A day. A week would be nice. I’m afraid tomorrow it will be all gone. I’ll enjoy it while I can.