I feel gross


I have gained back all the weight I lost and then some. Ugh. Could be the meds but I think it’s me eating too much out of sadness. 

I called a warm line yesterday and cried for 20 minutes, essentially verbally vomiting on this poor responder and bless their heart they were good listeners. That doesn’t always happen so I got lucky. 

Another day at work. I’m already stressed but I’m determined to make this a productive day at least. Here goes nothing!

It’s coming


I can see it coming. The anxiety and depression. It’s creeping toward me and I’m feeling backed into a corner. There’s no where to run. When I feel like this I am usually at the mercy of my emotions and trying desperately to stay afloat. But this time I can see it coming. The warning signs are all there and I have brief window where I might be able to set things right. 

So I need to practice some self care. I’m taking a day off work this week to get some rest since I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I’m going to pump positive affirmations in my ears till it gives me a headache. And then there’s this long list of stuff I have to do that is hanging over my head and freaking me out. I need to just tackle one thing at a time and it will all work out. I have to remember to breathe. 

I don’t feel like I’m being productive at work. I’m afraid and jittery. If I could just survive today I feel like I will be ok. 

Ho hum 


I have a meeting with my psychiatrist today. It gets me out of work for a few hours and I need to update her on how I’m doing so it’s not a bad thing. I’m not too sure what to talk about with her today though. 

It seems like the same old stuff. And ever since she told me I might try just “breathing into” my anxiety, I have been trying to do just that. The results? I have felt generally a little more at ease. Something about not fighting so hard and just letting it exist does allow me to relax a bit. So that’s good I guess. 

I still wish I could completely eradicate my anxiety. I think I could live a much more fulfilling existence if I weren’t just constantly on the verge of panic but I suppose it is what it is. 

I’m typically not a fan of faking it till you make it but I feel myself moving in that direction. I just want to be OK, you know? I keep telling myself that everything will be OK. Maybe it’s true. I hope it is. 

Let the gratitude begin!


I found a gratitude journal! I searched through so many but this one has an interface I like and it’s pretty simple to use. I have an iPhone and don’t know if it’s available for Androids but I’m sure something similar is. 

I started using it yesterday and started with being grateful that my son is well adjusted at school and doing well. Above average even. That’s great news from a parent/teacher conference we just had! 

So I think the deal is that you use it daily for at least a month and you’ll start to see a happier, less depressed you. Challenge accepted. Can’t hurt, might help. 

Trying to find peace of mind 


Today was the first day in a long time I didn’t feel anxious at work. Maybe it was because I knew I got to leave early or maybe it was because there is something to this positive self talk I’ve been chanting at myself. 

Now I’m playing Power Rangers Dino Charge with my son. Good times. 

I’m thinking of downloading a gratitude journal. I read somewhere once that they can be very helpful in keeping a positive mindset and can be good for helping deal with depression.