Fidget Cube!

My husband bought me one of these new fidget cubes to help with my anxiety. I love it! The only setback is that it clicks and is pretty loud so it can annoy coworkers or others around you. Worth it though. Totally worth it. 


I feel gross

I have gained back all the weight I lost and then some. Ugh. Could be the meds but I think it’s me eating too much out of sadness. 

I called a warm line yesterday and cried for 20 minutes, essentially verbally vomiting on this poor responder and bless their heart they were good listeners. That doesn’t always happen so I got lucky. 

Another day at work. I’m already stressed but I’m determined to make this a productive day at least. Here goes nothing!

It’s coming

I can see it coming. The anxiety and depression. It’s creeping toward me and I’m feeling backed into a corner. There’s no where to run. When I feel like this I am usually at the mercy of my emotions and trying desperately to stay afloat. But this time I can see it coming. The warning signs are all there and I have brief window where I might be able to set things right. 

So I need to practice some self care. I’m taking a day off work this week to get some rest since I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I’m going to pump positive affirmations in my ears till it gives me a headache. And then there’s this long list of stuff I have to do that is hanging over my head and freaking me out. I need to just tackle one thing at a time and it will all work out. I have to remember to breathe. 

I don’t feel like I’m being productive at work. I’m afraid and jittery. If I could just survive today I feel like I will be ok. 

Ho hum 

I have a meeting with my psychiatrist today. It gets me out of work for a few hours and I need to update her on how I’m doing so it’s not a bad thing. I’m not too sure what to talk about with her today though. 

It seems like the same old stuff. And ever since she told me I might try just “breathing into” my anxiety, I have been trying to do just that. The results? I have felt generally a little more at ease. Something about not fighting so hard and just letting it exist does allow me to relax a bit. So that’s good I guess. 

I still wish I could completely eradicate my anxiety. I think I could live a much more fulfilling existence if I weren’t just constantly on the verge of panic but I suppose it is what it is. 

I’m typically not a fan of faking it till you make it but I feel myself moving in that direction. I just want to be OK, you know? I keep telling myself that everything will be OK. Maybe it’s true. I hope it is. 

Trying to find peace of mind 

Today was the first day in a long time I didn’t feel anxious at work. Maybe it was because I knew I got to leave early or maybe it was because there is something to this positive self talk I’ve been chanting at myself. 

Now I’m playing Power Rangers Dino Charge with my son. Good times. 

I’m thinking of downloading a gratitude journal. I read somewhere once that they can be very helpful in keeping a positive mindset and can be good for helping deal with depression. 

Taking a breath

Went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. I told her about my anxiety and how it dominates my time at work. She made a suggestion and I think she may be right. 

Breathe it in. 

What good has come of me fighting against it? More anxiety. So she said basically that I should learn to accept it. Recognize it as just part of me and know that it’s just something I have deal with. 

And you know, I actually feel like that is something I can do. It would ideally be nice to give up the fight and be able to be at peace knowing that anxiety is just a thing I deal with. Now, I will have to find ways deal with it. She suggested guided imagery, mantras, and affirmations. I did some affirmations this morning before work and it did help me feel more braced against my anxiety. I have chanting mantras in my head all day and they do help. 

I am capable of doing my job and doing it well.  

I am afraid of my anxiety but it can not hurt me. 

I am OK. 

I’ll keep at it and maybe I’ll get somewhere. It would be nice not be so wound up for a change. I’ll be OK. I am OK.