Ho hum 

I have a meeting with my psychiatrist today. It gets me out of work for a few hours and I need to update her on how I’m doing so it’s not a bad thing. I’m not too sure what to talk about with her today though. 

It seems like the same old stuff. And ever since she told me I might try just “breathing into” my anxiety, I have been trying to do just that. The results? I have felt generally a little more at ease. Something about not fighting so hard and just letting it exist does allow me to relax a bit. So that’s good I guess. 

I still wish I could completely eradicate my anxiety. I think I could live a much more fulfilling existence if I weren’t just constantly on the verge of panic but I suppose it is what it is. 

I’m typically not a fan of faking it till you make it but I feel myself moving in that direction. I just want to be OK, you know? I keep telling myself that everything will be OK. Maybe it’s true. I hope it is. 


Let the gratitude begin!

I found a gratitude journal! I searched through so many but this one has an interface I like and it’s pretty simple to use. I have an iPhone and don’t know if it’s available for Androids but I’m sure something similar is. 

I started using it yesterday and started with being grateful that my son is well adjusted at school and doing well. Above average even. That’s great news from a parent/teacher conference we just had! 

So I think the deal is that you use it daily for at least a month and you’ll start to see a happier, less depressed you. Challenge accepted. Can’t hurt, might help. 

Taking a breath

Went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. I told her about my anxiety and how it dominates my time at work. She made a suggestion and I think she may be right. 

Breathe it in. 

What good has come of me fighting against it? More anxiety. So she said basically that I should learn to accept it. Recognize it as just part of me and know that it’s just something I have deal with. 

And you know, I actually feel like that is something I can do. It would ideally be nice to give up the fight and be able to be at peace knowing that anxiety is just a thing I deal with. Now, I will have to find ways deal with it. She suggested guided imagery, mantras, and affirmations. I did some affirmations this morning before work and it did help me feel more braced against my anxiety. I have chanting mantras in my head all day and they do help. 

I am capable of doing my job and doing it well.  

I am afraid of my anxiety but it can not hurt me. 

I am OK. 

I’ll keep at it and maybe I’ll get somewhere. It would be nice not be so wound up for a change. I’ll be OK. I am OK. 

Give me a break

I was listening to a podcast during my lunch break and it was 30 minutes of tips on how to put your mental health first. I don’t know what I was expecting but the whole thing left me with a bad taste in my mouth. 

How is it mental health professionals can sleep at night knowing that they are telling people like teenagers who are cutting themselves that part of their road to recovery is go watch a funny movie? That was one of this woman’s answers to keeping your sanity. How trite. 

She offered other ideas like journal writing and calling a friend too but I need actual assistance here. If I am going make a change and do better for myself I think I need something with a little more substance to it. I hate when things like that are the answers to the question of how to feel better. 

Ugh. So annoyed.

Crash coming…

I should have titled this blog “Trapped in the ladies room” because that’s where I seem to be spending the most of my time these days. 

I’m doing a lot of self talk. Trying to bring myself down from ledge. I feel like a crash is coming. I’m trying to avoid it. I started crocheting again, doing mindfulness meditations, writing here…but I still feel myself falling downward. I feel depressed and overly anxious. Spread a little too thin emotionally. I’m not sure what to do. 

I’m at work today, trying to push through, wishing there was some way to fix this. I want to make it through. I just don’t know if I can.