Spazzing out


This book I’m reading uses the word “choices” a lot. You make choices and they reflect on you in positive and negative ways but you have to make them in order change. Change how you react and go forth in your day interacting with people. Change your emotional response to those interactions. But it all starts with choices. 

“I choose to be accept me as I am.” That’s one of the affirmations they offer. 

I don’t choose to have panic attacks but I can choose how I react to them. I suppose there is some truth in that. I can accept them as just a part of who I am for the time being and find the best way to handle them. Choose to accept them as they come. When I think about that, there is some sort of relief felt. Like I don’t have to fight anymore. Just sit back and accept it for what it is. Then finding solutions does seem easier. I could take frequent breaks at work. Practice mindfulness more regularly. 

In essence I could choose to be happier. Curb being such a spazz just little bit. One day at a time. I’m gonna try. I’m going to think about my choices and make them more prominent in how I handle myself. 

The book says it’s not overnight thing. I’m still going to try. Or do or do not as there is no try according to a wise Jedi we all know and love. Do it. I can do it. 

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Silence is over


I popped 2 more anti anxiety pills and I’m hoping they kick in soon. I dropped my son off at his Spring Break camp this morning and he didn’t want to go. He pleaded with me. He cried. I felt like such an asshole. 

The books I’m reading are big on positive affirmations and giving yourself permission to feel your feelings but in the tradition of mindfulness, to let them pass while simply observing them. I’m really trying. 

Anxiety keeps bubbling up. My heart starts pounding. I can’t concentrate. My hands get sweaty and shaky. Then my thoughts start racing and I’m rendered useless. I really can’t afford this on a work day. 

I take deep breaths. I step away from my desk. It’s only 11:30am and I wondering if I can make it through the day like this. 

There’s a talk line that I call when I feel this way and sometimes they help talk me down. I might have to pay them a visit today if I’m going to make this work. 

Quiet time


I feel oddly at ease. Calm. My mind is quiet and my thoughts are coming in methodical lines, one right after the other. No jumbled mess. Just little ducks marching all in a row, quacking quietly to themselves as they pass. 

I have no idea how this happened. I keep looking for my typical feelings of panic and I see them but they are buried below the surface with God knows what holding them at bay. Is it the meds? Is it the mindfulness training I’ve been tinkering with lately? I don’t know but I am grateful. 

I hope this lasts. A day. A week would be nice. I’m afraid tomorrow it will be all gone. I’ll enjoy it while I can. 

Nope. 


The worst sort of day happened yesterday. I was cruising along feeling pretty confident and WHAM! I get hit with this strange mixture of sadness, anxiety, panic, and racing thoughts. It was this giant wall and it came out of no where. I took my anti anxiety meds, they didn’t help. I tried mindfulness breathing exercises. Nothing. I hadn’t felt that way since the last time I ended up in the hospital and it scared the crap out of me. 

This morning feels a little better. I still feel like I want to pace grooves into the floor but I’m just trying keep practicing mindfulness and get on the other side of this thing. 

I wish I knew why these moments hit me so hard. My psychiatrist says I have major depressive disorder but I swear it’s more than that.